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Monday, 4 July 2016

Last year of sadness.

My Story:
I lived for 12 years obsessed with my diet, my weight, my appearance. I hate my legs, my stomach, my face, my butt and so on. My whole body was always too big in my opinion. Too Ugly. Not female. Too flabby. Although I have already lost 20kg (about 40 pounds) over the last 12 years. I can not say exactly when I lost the most of it. But in my head I have a certain idea of what is the perfect body, what I want to reach. I know that I will possibly never have super skinny legs, but I still hope I can have “skinny” legs, like Ballerinas. I don’t want to lose more than 4-5kg. After that, it is too thin. Then it goes towards underweight (I weigh 56kg).

I have done several diets. Starving myself, beginning of anorexia, binge eating. I lost 5kg and gained it back again several times. I lived healthy for weeks and months and then I stepped ten steps again. For years and years. This literally destroyed me. It destroyed my enjoyment of life, it destroyed my self-esteem, my mind. I don’t dare to wear certain clothes like short skirts and sometimes even T-Shirt, because I hate my legs and I hate my belly. Inside myself, I'm leaner, fiter. But outside I’m this unhappy girl who hates her body. It is hard to explain. But my body does not fit to the way I’m seeing myself inside. Unfortunately, the Low-Calorie Diets, the restricting myself and staying away from certain foods always made me binch or give up because I was obsessing over eating, food, weight loss. That’s everything I can think about. The minute I wake up until I lay in bed. And even then, I’m thinking about eating and meals. I’m afraid that I eat to much the next day. The thought about food never leaves my mind.

"Not only focus on weight but on healthy and strong and fitness. Looking after mind and body.  A few lifestyle changes that will keep you in shape without give up your happiness. Getting fit and in shape should be fun." - The Lean Machines

I want to live healthy. I want to have a healthy and positive attitude towards food, eating, fitness. I only want to eat if I’m hungry for about 99%. Because of course there are days, for example, if you go out to a restaurant, or there’s a birthday with cake and a nice dinner. I don’t want to miss about anything because of my diet. This would lead to binch eating. I know that. I need to say to myself: the year has 365 day, if I eat healthy for 300 day and eat unhealthy for only 65 I’m not going to gain weight. I understand this. I understand that strict ban foods, hatred towards myself, binching and so on is not going to make me happy. But it's hard because I still often fall back into old patterns.

"If you if you want to lose fet then there will be some sacrifices such as eating less, but if your understand why you doingt it and how it feels to be fitter and healthier, we think you enjoy the progress and keep going." - The Lean Machines

My patterns are:
  • I eat in between meals: some granola, chocolate, some bread with nutella. It doesn’t satisfy, I just gone. I have to understand that these snacks in a hury are useless. It’s much better to have a whole bowl of granola and enjoying it.
  • I eat in the morning and immediately want more. I need to control myself. Maybe do some workouts afterwards or take a show after my breakfast. Or do something on my todo-list.
  • I think about eating, binching, weight loss all the time. This leads to eating something without have any hunger. This is why I often have small dinners or starve in the evening. This leads to binching.
  • I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. I think I’m disgusting. I need to take care of myself. Mentally.
  • I don’t cook a lot. I don’t cook my own meals. That leads to less healthy ingredients and less vegetables. I need to cook amazing recipes which help me to stay away from unhealthy food or binching.
  • I binch 2-3 days in week (in the last 2-3 month I had 5-6 binch days which is a lot) and think to myself " is it already too late," "only today" - even though I know that I need 1-2 weeks to make up for these day - physically (bloating, prevent weight gain) and mentally (see myself bigger then I really am (because you don’t change after 2 bad days), I’m often depressed and even more obsessed with my eating and my weight. I also have a lot of anxiety). Unfortunately right now I think “Eating more was good. I miss this day. I should have eat more and enjoyed it. Now it’s to late, I diet”. --> I need to change this. I need to understand that I’m allowed to have everything every time. Of course binching is not good because my whole stomach hurts and my mind. I can eat up to 2000 calories a day if I really want pizza with my friends or a big bowl of cereals. I’m not going to lose, but more important I’m not going to gain weight. I’m going to enjoy this meal and I’m not going to hate myself for binch. --> There are day when I’m only living for food and eating. I go to amusement park and all I think about is "now I can eat anything I want," or "finally I can eat all the fast food" – I’m not enjoy the time. It’s all about food and eating in my head. But I need to live.

I need to change something and I want to change something.

The Change:
It's not just about calories, my weight or my appearance. The main problem lies deeper. In my psyche. I need to get out of this eternal hatred against my own body. I’m not going to be 100& even with a supermodel body. I need to get away from the obsession. From this eating disorder. It’s gonna take a few months and it’s going to happen slowly. There must be a change for good. A diet, a lifestyle I can always live by. Of course I need to eat less because I want to lose weight. I want to eat about 1500-1600 calories each day. On days with long runs maybe up my calories to 1700. I often burn 1000-1600 calories during running.

I have to stop forbidding myself sweets or kind of foods. I need to stop planning everything strictly. I want to eat intuitively. Of course, I’m going to write my calories because I have the goal lose the last 4-5kg. I want to achieve this goal by the end of the year (with birthdays, carnival, Christmas, holidays). I want to enjoy my life and don’t want to miss anything just because of my weight loss goal. Some days will not ruin my whole diet.

Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m in this position. I’m not a heavy eater. I don’t need much food. With healthy and balanced diet, I probably could live without eating for 4-5 hours, even without snacks. Because whole foods is keeping me full for longer (a lot of veggies for example). I would never order a pizza if I’m alone at home. So I want to focus on nutritional values, on proper meals and staying away from snacking, senseless snacking of 20-30g cereal in 3-4 hours (140 calories).
If I live, keep myself busy, I don’t have the desire to snack in between meals. So I have to live and do things and eat when I’m really hungry. That's my biggest problem: I eat out of boredom; I eat in between meals, because I'm in the kitchen.

I know I’m not going be perfect. I never will. I probably continue to be obsessed by losing weight, my diet, the thought of being skinny. But I hope that this will change.

I want to change my goals to:
  • A healthy, thoughtful diet. Cooking my own meals with natural products I love.
  • Fitness Goals as the Marathon in October, yoga and ballet for better posture, flexibility or being able to do a handstand. I want to get muscles and be strong.
  • I want to read more books
  • I want to improve my english
  • I want to write more
  • I want to live and make me proud by doing something
  • I want to eat at restaurants without worrying
  • I want to blog more
  • I want to study more
  • I don’t want to be afraid of leaving the house. Sometimes I’m to anxious or hating my body too much.
  • I want to relax more because I’m stressed all the time
  • (… maybe there will be more goals)

I just need to understand that I feel better when I eat consciously. Not more than 3 meals a day and without this useless snacking. That I feel better when the day I settle things I have to do. I need to live. I feel better without all candy, sugar or carbohydrates, because I often have problems with my stomach because of this. I feel better when listing to my body and only eat when I’m hungry. Not because I’m bored or sad. Food does not make me happy. Of course, food is tasty & great and I love chocolate. But I can’t have it all the time. Sugar and eating all the time stops my metabolism and the fat burning progress. And sugar goes straight into thighs, buttocks and belly - my problem areas. Sugar is also unhealthy and makes you sick. I want to restrict my sugar intake. I feel better when I eat healthy and this is worth more than eating a lot of food or chocolate. One piece of chocolate or one dessert a day is totally fine. It totally fits in my daily calorie intake.

The Change in my diet:
1500 – 1700 calories per day (depends on the workout I done that day)
only eat 3 times a day
if I’m hungry in between the meals: vegetables or a piece of fruit / berries
not eating for 4-5 hours in between the meals
eat more natural foods, more protein more fruits and vegetables and so on
eat less bread, sugar, sweets, unhealthy food
I want to eat mindfully und intuitively. Listen to my body and only eat when I’m hungry.
I don’t want to put labels on food like “bad” “good” or “forbidden”. I want to educate myself on healthy nutrition and healthy living. But I’m never going to be 100% healthy. It’s just not me. I love chocolate way to much.
I want to track my calories honestly and I don’t want to betray myself
I want to eat what I want to eat, but conscious, healthy and if I do want bowl of corn flakes it’s alright. But I’m not going to turn this day to a binch day. I can easily eat a bowl of cornflakes and than have healthy salad or a long run. It’s alright. I can eat around 2000-2100 calories a day without gaining weight.

I’m not going to ber perfect but I want to change one thing after another. I want to lose 4-5kg by the end of the year. But my main goal is: to be happy and reaching goals irrespective of weight loss. It’s not going to happen overnight and there will be setbacks. But as long as I understand the essence of the problem and never give up, I’m going to reach my goals. I don’t want to binch because only these days make me depressed and destroy my goals.  I am not going to look back. I am going to look forward.

This is going to happen on this blog and on instagram. I keep you updated. I think this is going to help me to stay on track:
  • Each week I’m going to tell you: what I eat, who much calories I ate everyday. I am going to tell you if I cooked my meals, if the meals were healthy.
  • I’m going to do “What I Eat In A Day” blog post: I’m going to take a photo of every meal. Your going to see it on my instagram every day. But I’m not going to do a blog post every day.
  • I am going to update you on my marathon training, my yoga and ballett goals, my workouts (my muscles)
  • I’m going to update you on my weight (beginning in 2-3 weeks because of these binch day. I don’t want to be depressed by my weight.
  • I’m going to post progress pictures (beginning in 3-4 weeks because I don’t want to post a picture of my body right now)
  • I’m going to update your on my problems according to binch eating and useless snacking
  • I’m going to write down how I felt after each meal? Was I bloated? Because I’m bloated like all the time
  • I’m going to update you on my goals. Did I changed something? Did I read more? Did I lived more? Did I stop thinking about food 24/7
  • I’m going to post recipes and my meals (every day on instagram) and now and then on my blogs
  • And can learn about healthy eating, healthy food and nutritional values together - Education is still the best way
I’m going to post recipes, updates on my journey to happiness, tips for marathon training and so on. Also updates on books, writing and accomplishing goals.

Positive thinking leads to a positive life.
I need to take the time to changes myself. I’m living with this eating disorder for over 12 years and I’m a really sad person for about 2 years. It gonna take time, but If I never give up. I can do anything.
I need to find balance between my social life and my weight loss and fitness goals. Balance between healthy day and unhealthy day. I need to learn that it’s ok to enjoy food, even unhealthy food and even a lot of food. I don’t mean binching. I need to live healthy, happy and I need to believe in myself.
I’m not disgusting. I’m not worthless. I’m not bad right night. I’m just going to get happier.
Join me on my journey to a happier , healthier ( for body and soul ) life.

I’m going to read these books to educate myself and to maybe learn that healthy eating and a positive mind is more important than binching, sweets and unhealthy food:
- The Lean Machines
- Eat Nourish Smile
- Ella Woodward

Important links: 
- Instagram (Meals, Fitness, Progress Picture, Recipes...)
- MyFitnessPal (My daily calorie intake, my meals)

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